Friday, April 13, 2012
Well? me, myself and I ... what a trio
Hate to post after such a long time and be a Debbie Downer but I am just absolutely lost. I find direction and hope ... then to let others just zap me totally to a very black spot.
I'll be all right. always have been. but right now? I'm the proverbial lost soul looking for a home.
I was in Yukon, Oklahoma on Route 66 --- continuing my westward jaunt. I was at a cute little old Mom and Pop diner - Mae's. I watched the people. It was getting hot. I never cared for the Oklahoma terrain ---- Oklahoma City was interesting.
It is over three times the size of Little Rock but Little Rock has basically all the stuff... a larger city just has more. The people are friendly every where I went. I like that.
I made a wrong turn ... hah, really? which headed me back east and I just kept going. I just said... what the hell am I doing.... the open road and desert and seeing people --- I've done a zillion times.
I've been an adventurous sort since I left home at 18... I've written about all that... I took a chicken bus through Mexico then a Greyhound to San Francisco with all of $60 in my pocket.
I've had adventure and excitement and everything inbetween... I'm tired. I want to be a Grandma. I want a TV/internet/washer and dryer.... a bird feeder - lots of plants and a view of mountains and forest and water ----
That's what I want. where? My little g'baby lives in a place that I just cannot stand. I grew up there.... that's why I left at 18.
I am so disappointed that my gypsyness is no longer what I need. I've been doing even more soul searching these past two weeks than I've ever done before.
Who am I. What do I want. What do I need to be happy.
Seems so very simple.
A lot has happened and I just don't feel like writing about it now. I don't know why I'm writing what I'm writing .... jeeeeeeezus ... ha and ho and a hehe thrown in for good measure. Me and ol Homer are about to leave in an hour ... to? I don't have a freakin clue. I really don't. I suppose when I get in Homer... I'll flip a coin and head that way. That used to excite the hell out of me. now? just tiredness.
It's a beautiful sunshiny day .... I have options ... but what do I do with them. I am just so tired of trying to make sense of my life. Got to be some sort of reason I'm the way I am. Made the decisions, I've made. Sixty-nine years of weird decisions... man oh man .... Just got to be some reason, I mean, seriously.
This is a 'get a grip, ol girl' post to see in black and white. So I can revel in my pitifulness... me and ol Eeyore. I've spent the week with my precious little g'baby. sigh
I've been at 'home' .... whatta deal - wish I'd never come back. Nothing's changed. I thought I could made a place for me to 'stay' --- such as a drive way to a permanent - one of those little prefab houses/shed things. Saw one at Home Depot with windows and window boxes and a skylight ... I wanted to just make it a little garden room with a bath. What was I thinking? not much, obviously. I can NOT live even in the backyard with him about. Like an elephant on my chest. unbelievable. just can't believe I even thought such a thing ... but then, yeah... I want a home... my gypsyness is not 'where it's at' ....
soooo ... I'll post when I have something fun to report... like maybe a ... hmmm ... who knows ...I think I need to go see a dolphin... yeah a dolphin ;) maybe I'll get my gypsy spirit back... can that really go away?