Hate to post after such a long time and be a Debbie Downer but I am just absolutely lost. I find direction and hope ... then to let others just zap me totally to a very black spot.
I'll be all right. always have been. but right now? I'm the proverbial lost soul looking for a home.
I was in Yukon, Oklahoma on Route 66 --- continuing my westward jaunt. I was at a cute little old Mom and Pop diner - Mae's. I watched the people. It was getting hot. I never cared for the Oklahoma terrain ---- Oklahoma City was interesting.
It is over three times the size of Little Rock but Little Rock has basically all the stuff... a larger city just has more. The people are friendly every where I went. I like that.
I made a wrong turn ... hah, really? which headed me back east and I just kept going. I just said... what the hell am I doing.... the open road and desert and seeing people --- I've done a zillion times.
I've been an adventurous sort since I left home at 18... I've written about all that... I took a chicken bus through Mexico then a Greyhound to San Francisco with all of $60 in my pocket.
I've had adventure and excitement and everything inbetween... I'm tired. I want to be a Grandma. I want a TV/internet/washer and dryer.... a bird feeder - lots of plants and a view of mountains and forest and water ----
That's what I want. where? My little g'baby lives in a place that I just cannot stand. I grew up there.... that's why I left at 18.
I am so disappointed that my gypsyness is no longer what I need. I've been doing even more soul searching these past two weeks than I've ever done before.
Who am I. What do I want. What do I need to be happy.
Seems so very simple.
A lot has happened and I just don't feel like writing about it now. I don't know why I'm writing what I'm writing .... jeeeeeeezus ... ha and ho and a hehe thrown in for good measure. Me and ol Homer are about to leave in an hour ... to? I don't have a freakin clue. I really don't. I suppose when I get in Homer... I'll flip a coin and head that way. That used to excite the hell out of me. now? just tiredness.
It's a beautiful sunshiny day .... I have options ... but what do I do with them. I am just so tired of trying to make sense of my life. Got to be some sort of reason I'm the way I am. Made the decisions, I've made. Sixty-nine years of weird decisions... man oh man .... Just got to be some reason, I mean, seriously.
This is a 'get a grip, ol girl' post to see in black and white. So I can revel in my pitifulness... me and ol Eeyore. I've spent the week with my precious little g'baby. sigh
I've been at 'home' .... whatta deal - wish I'd never come back. Nothing's changed. I thought I could made a place for me to 'stay' --- such as a drive way to a permanent - one of those little prefab houses/shed things. Saw one at Home Depot with windows and window boxes and a skylight ... I wanted to just make it a little garden room with a bath. What was I thinking? not much, obviously. I can NOT live even in the backyard with him about. Like an elephant on my chest. unbelievable. just can't believe I even thought such a thing ... but then, yeah... I want a home... my gypsyness is not 'where it's at' ....
total bummer
soooo ... I'll post when I have something fun to report... like maybe a ... hmmm ... who knows ...I think I need to go see a dolphin... yeah a dolphin ;) maybe I'll get my gypsy spirit back... can that really go away?
Hmm. So, it sounds like you want a permanent home near your granddaughter, but not near your husband. Seems possible. Maybe a place to be, and also a way to get away. Not so far-fetched.
ReplyDeleteyep... but it takes money. If I had money? I would have already rectified this situation... but I don't.
DeleteAs I mentioned... I do not like where she is. That's where I lived growing up... I left at 18. Still don't like it there. dead dull and very conservative on top of the dead and dullness... makes my head hurt
I did not plan well for my old age. Another wonderful decision ---- I'm rather like the grasshopper --- boo hiss on the ants, I said. For? tomorrow? I may die... most of my generation didn't expect to live past thirty...
real shocker when we did... ;)
Glad y'all are experiencing wonderful things ... I read some blogs on my iPhone as I'm out and about but not able to really keep up as I did.
So not many comments on my favorite blogs... just all I could say is ... yay for y'all! ;)
I just don't know what to say Gypsy.... and I'm trying hard to come up with something that just isn't humor... So you're back home but you no longer have a home because of the two year agreement..? You don't have many options left.
ReplyDeleteI think that you need to cry out to God for help. He listen to all our sincere prayers. You've tried it your way and it hasn't worked. What do you have to loose by asking God for help. You might be really surprised at what will happen once you swallow your pride and ask God to help you to find what you're looking for. A place where you can feel at peace, at home and being near your granddaughter. I really have no right to give you advice but I hope that you look up to God's Higher Power for help. Hugs, JB
Well? my battery is dead so I'll be sitting a spell... lol
DeleteI have absolutely zero zip nada pride when it comes to talking to God.... or seeking any kind of guidance or advice. Never have...
I talk to God just about every other breath. I don't know what I ever could have said that would make you believe that I didn't do such.
I just don't believe in the Bible God of my Father. I think I wrote a whole bunch of posts on this many posts ago... can't remember ... but surely I have because it's such a big part of who I am.
Trying it MY way ... is all I have. I have to rely upon me --- that's where God is and I thank Him every night and every morning ... believe me.
My life has been a trip... guided by? not entirely by my selfish desires ... just "something" that has always propelled me into thises and thats... that's why I say... there just has to be a reason. To meditate and ask a higher power to guide us ... is a good thing.
Having a grandbaby has put a wonderful but conflicting spoke in m'wheel. or something like that.... got to be a better metaphor but I got to get my battery started. Seems I left my lights on... can't believe it! yeah, I can
Enjoyed seeing your quilt! absolutely stunning...
Have you looked into senior housing in your area? I went through the same feelings last year ,bought a tt and went on a 2 month trip and found i really missed my house.My place is small but no mortage. I want to move to tn and be closer to my gd's but hate to pay rent.It is hard to be so sure you want something then realize it isn't really what you need or want.when you don't know what to do "DO Nothing "! Don't rush into anything.
ReplyDeleteThe answer will come to you.
Yes... you're right. I've mellowed a bit in m'old age but I'm still an impulsive kid. Having had to grow up has really been hard ... pffffft on being an adult. plain ol pfffffft
DeleteI found a place in Hot Springs - a really beautiful mobile home in a 55+ community --- walking distance to everywhere but it's still almost two hours from my granddaughter. I wish I could find something like that closer to her. Plus it would take going into debt again and I really don't want to do that. But... I do have to have a place... it's $27,500 and the lot rent is $150/month. It's two bedroom and two baths with a fireplace and a full size washer and dryer comes with it.... no smoking or pets ever --- the owner had to go to a nursing home... her kids are selling the home. It's got a climate controlled enclosed front deck ... just really what I'd like to have.
Just taking it hour by day by hour and day... nothing else to do but just hang in there ... there is one thing I do like about me and that's my optimism... it'll work out... always has... just a different direction. I suspected my gypsyness had dissipated but until I really hit the road and embraced it again did I realize that it truly had dissipated ... soooooo another chapter is semi closed.
I will always love to travel ... I don't think I could do without getting in Homer and just hit the road but just not aimless hereing and thereing....
been there done that...
I don't want or need anything but just a small something or other but it does have to be in the middle of trees and at least within walking distance of some water .... mountains and hills would be swell as well as within walking distance to a Whole Foods...
All for a dollar two eighty...
Breathing deep.
ReplyDeleteI am always in awe of my Elders in the Ecstatic Dance community. They have lived a full life with little means, yet they appear so at peace with life. They have found community sharing living space with each other for stretches of time.
Sometimes I picture myself like that. 20 years from now, with my modest home, with 2 or 3 other older single people that have lived a life off the beaten path.... some staying for only a few months, some staying for a few years before circling back around to stay some more.... just kicking in enough funds to help cover the basic utilities and food staples....
I am glad to read this post of yours, you really are Going Some Place... the trail just might be a bit hazy right now.
Thank you... yes... the trail is a bit hazy right now... very good, thanks. I will find peace. I'm getting closer to understanding me more with each dumbass trial... obviously I need a lot of klonking upside the head... sure wish I'd move along faster
Deletebut it's not to be... wish I could paint. tried once. oh, baruther... looked like a kindergartener's rendition of something or other
I wish I could find 2 or 3 other older single people that have lived a life off the beaten path to hang with... I'd be in hog heaven....
Well,,,I don't look at this at as Debbie Downer post...just a little reality post. Number one thing...it would be hard to live out of a van...even when you are 20...let alone 69. Maybe go back to where you were so happy last year by the water..rent your little room again...walk down to the water....and think about things. Make sure you give everything a little time to settle. Don't get yourelf into anything you can't get out of easily right now...you don't need any more complications. Don't do anything out of guilt...do what is right for you.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking just that. I got all the information out again for that little motel. I wonder if they've gone up... I would love to have the room with the little porch at the end. It was $600 -- $100 more than what I was paying but a full kitchen and more room and most importantly not sandwiched between other rooms.
DeleteI just keep thinking about the Texas weather and humidity. It's hot here but nothing like down there. I told myself I could go out in the mornings and evenings and vegetate in between... thanks Sheryl...
It doesn't have to be for all summer...I think you need a month or so away from everyone...without the travel.
DeleteThis is true... I just keep thinking about the money versus the motorhome... Joe is getting weirder with the money... doesn't bother me too much because I handle everything and he hasn't a clue but ... I'm going to look at this motorhome tomorrow and give it a hard looksee -- not just from the - is it a good one but from the standpoint of ... is this what I really want. Can I drive it ... and how comfortable I feel.
DeleteI want to sit in it and do all sorts of thinking and pondering and such. Do I want to fool with black water and other water and propane and all that stuff.
If it has a ... nah feeling ... then I plan on heading back down to Port A. It's not even if THAT motorhome is THE one... it's just getting inside and soaking it all in.
As impulsive as I am... I can't buy it on a Saturday... well? he might take a check but... oh, lord... nah ... I won't.
I don't know if you remember my saying I have a 5th wheel. We bought it so I could live in it while taking care of my Mother. Joe has promised to go to his Mother's next weekend and pull the damn thing out of where we had it --- back amongst the trees to the front of the house with hookups so I can get it cleaned and fixed up to sell OR I could live in it again but not with his Mother and her boyfriend on the premises ... give me strength! That's another loose end that really needs to be fixed.... SIGH
I lived in it for two years but there is no way I would pull it. no way. I hated fooling with all the gadgets -- had a thing that said what was full or I don't know --- a bunch of stuff. Joe hated fooling with it too and well... another lovely series of why I don't want to be with him any longer...
I almost broke my flipping back putting in the propane tanks... there were two and they were HUGE! That was six years ago -- I was 63 and I ain't doing it at 69. Had to line the damn things up just so and all the hissing and nah...
I don't know!!!!
Port A is looking better as I type! jeeeeeeez
I'm back from my evening chores and my calves bellies are full and they have had their ear tagged and their pictures taken and names given and are now registered Holsteins. All we need now is their papers, poor little things, they have to go through all sorts of regulations early in life. My belly is full too, of left overs that is lol.
ReplyDeleteand now a little time at the computer.
Carolyn, I hate to see you like this and wish I could help you but I know that something will come to lift your spirit up sooner or later but wish it was sooner.
I think that it's good to talk here on your blog for a little support.
When I wasn't hearing from you I was worried, it must be because I care. I'm such a worry wort... You never know what can happen and I have a vivid imagination you know. Then I thought that maybe your husband had died and that was the change you were talking about that you would write about later. No wonder that 90% of what we worry about never happens. Hugs. JB
aw, thanks, Julia... yes, that's why I decided to write a post in hopes I would get feedback. I really need it. Traveling as I did and having a baby so late in life really hampered making a really good pal or two. I miss girlfriends. I miss feedback. Haven't had that in a looooong time.
DeleteI had a circle of pals when I worked and was single... we just all went separate ways. Two died! One had open heart surgery and got really bless her heart old... couldn't believe it... and on and on ... so here I am late in life with nary a good pal. I don't like it.
My kingdom for a pal.
My saying I would write later was my decision to just keep heading east after I made that 'wrong' turn... I have been just so conflicted. I couldn't even write about my emotions... gah
little calf bellies... aw jeez ... I don't want to eat 'em... or pigs or any animals... too cute
I tell ya if it were up to me to kill m'supper... I'd be reeeeeal skinny. I don't even like those cereal and such commercials that have talking food! yuck! one was a krispie treat little guy saying mama? daddy? JEEREEz
I know the feeling of being unsettled in this world. But I think you are being too hard on yourself. It's also difficult to try to travel & live in a mini van - or at least I think it would be. I'd be nuts by now (or more than I am) without my motorhome. It gives me a space to sit, a space to watch tv, a space to clean up & a space to cook. It's like an economy apartment, but on wheels. And one day, these wheels will finally leave this driveway & I'll be free to discover what it really is that I need in life. I hope. If you head back down this way, let me know. I'm planning on a trip to the coast as soon as it's possible! Ellie can travel now. I'm tired of being grounded. But I'm stuck for the next two weeks or so dog sitting...
ReplyDeleteI know you do, Cyn... what an ordeal you've had! Did you see the post on WGS about the motorhome I want to check out? It's about an hour away and I plan on going tomorrow.
DeleteI just answered Sheryl about yes... I've been thinking about Port A a lot... love that little place and especially my dolphins... talk about lifting one's spirit... sigh
Like I said, it's that lovely Texas heat and humidity I know is there. $600 for a room for months or take out of savings and buy a motorhome and gas and insurance and property tax and all the thises and thats....
An economy apartment... yep
Did I say arrgh?
It's still probably comfortable enough for the next month. Take a look at that RV & get a feel of it. I think you can get a better price elsewhere though. Or haggle!! In fact, haggle.
DeleteIf you head this way, I'd be really happy to spend a day with you at PPL just to tour through rigs so you could get a feel for things. Motorhomes are easy. The propane tanks stay intact, you don't ever have to take them out. A nice small MH is all you'd probably need. I mentioned PPL because they leave the RV's open & you can tour through each one till your heart's content. No salesmen follow you at all! If you have interest in one, you have to go inside & talk to a salesman. I'd also google close to where you are now to see what RV places are there as well so you can tour them too.
Great! Want to do that... I'm about ti start driving again... Let you know if plans change... hah
Delete:-) Monday for me will be full, have a doc appointment in the morn, then have to drive out to the big airport to pick someone up in the afternoon. but as far as I know, the rest of the week is bascially free for me(Other than dog sitting). I wish I had a place to put you up for a few days, but I'm a guest where I am... Let us know of you check out the toy home.
Delete