Wednesday, March 21, 2012
George has the answer....
I think that George has the answer. What was the Brad Pitt movie... Button? didn't see it but heard about it... I like this scenario...
As I'm about to embark on my whatever journey ... I want to to go out of this world feeling and looking my best. I'm very laxed in my grooming. I just really gave up. Depression can take on many forms as I've learned and studied. Even though I have a sense of humor that has saved my sorry ass many times, there were days when I wanted to walk in the water and be done with it.
The thing about being depressed though in, well, my case - certainly can't and don't want to speak for anyone else - I didn't want to get out of bed. If I got up - I was in such a fog - daze - stupor - that I couldn't even sit up. I would just go back to bed and stay there - sleep or just phase out...
What brought me back? It's happened several times during these past 7-8 years... each time, I would see the sun --- then I would think of butterflies and daffodils and fairies and birds and blue sky ... I'd get up and sit for a while - have some Yerba Mate tea --- I always have some on hand - just in case I feel like I might want to live.... it's great stuff - I was introduced to it by a vendor of mine when I had my shop.
A cup of hot tea and some sunshine. ... and the admission that - guess what? the sun and moon and the clouds and the flowers and the birds and the world keeps on going whether I choose to play or not. The trick... I have so far found ... is to find where your happines lies.
That's reeeeally tricky for me. I absolutely can giggle and talk and hug with total abandon. I scare people.. HAhaaaaa.... The trick, for me... is to not worry about it... I had a pal who waded through that video of me in Port Aransas --- I forget what post it was ... it was in December, I think ... it's long and silly and I enjoyed the hell out of myself.
He wrote me and said how very much he liked it - he's a photographer -- just beautiful beautiful photography - and did say I might need a new camera... HAaaaa.... my little ol iPhone camcorder did it's best and well, my picture taking skills are about as good as my backing up Homer skills.
Anyway the point is... is that he loved the way I enjoyed even the smallest thing.... he envied that.... That really meant a lot to me. Yes... I do. I try to find things I like about me and build on it because it seems... besides saying g'morning to the world each and every morning and smile and stretch! I --- under my breath without skipping a beat say .. I hate me.
Every every morning.... I find myself saying this without any reason whatsoever at the moment.... it's just there. I am really really working on this. At one point, I wore a large rubber band bracelet and would pop it each time I said that.... this is a subconscious thing. It just pops out... whether aloud or in my head.
I also scream STOP when a negative thought about me comes along. I do much better when I'm not here with my family. The stress gets to me. Unhappiness and why oh why oh why and how oh how did I end up the way I have... poor .... pitiful.... woeful me... Then the guilt comes along with the always present knowledge of the horror in this world and how wonderfully lucky I am. Then that feeds the I hate me thing...
I have an innate optimism which is really interesting, I think so. I am a paradox even to myself. I'm optimistic ... yet prone to depression in my old age - never ever until these last 7-8 years. That's why it is so scary. I do not want to grow old being scared! that's bullshit... me? sigh .... yet I posses a fabulous sense of humor that allows me to climb out of the dark.
I dunno. Those of you who know yourself well and are happy and you know it... clap your hands...
I have experienced a high living good looking lifestyle to the depths of getting fat and frumpy and pfffffting at everything. Then I would get halfway again back into life and then boo hiss and back to getting fat and pfffftting again. The family stress and happenings is what really done me in... they done me wrong... and I got mad as hell and wasn't going to take it any more but didn't and don't know what to do about it... I solved 3/4 of the stuff... the other 1/4 is just probably going to be going on until I die... and so - let it go.. right
Anyway, the problem is that each time I decide to secede from life ... it gets harder to get back into life..... wasn't that a commercial --- June Allyson... diaper ad --- Depends? haa
Anyway... GET BACK INTO LIFE ... I don't want to walk into water and get drawn underneath and flow all the way to Memphis in the Arkansas River... that's a meeeean river ... it was really swollen today! fast and full of undercurrents. People have died from trying to swim the damn thing..... Haven't been anyone try in quite some time now .... but there are always a few teen boys that will wade out a bit and then WHAM ... gone... horrible!
I went out and about today ... in the rain - had to get outta here! I sat at the river and watched it flow. There was a HUGE huge swan looking pelican looking bird... more like a swan! HUGE ... I had my binoculars ... it and another duck kind of bird were just floating along with the river and I mean fast.... of course, there's no way my iPhone camera could have caught that image even if I tried. They were having a fine time floating down.... amazing... I gotta google that... what the hey kind of bird? We have swans in the Arkansas River???? There are some at the Old Mill --- ya'll know the opening scene in Gone With the Wind? the mill is our mill here ... I found a picture with a Swan but the guy I saw today was twice that size! HUGE with a looong bill like a Pelican! I love Pelicans but this guy was absolutely stunning.... Here's a lil description .... so pretty
"The old South isn't completely gone with the wind in North Little Rock. A short drive from McCain mall will bring you to a quiet, tranquil place that looks like something from an old movie. As a matter of fact, it was featured in the opening scene of Gone With the Wind. It's believed to be the only remaining structure from that film. So, put on your hoop squirt, grab your parasol and your "twiddly dee dee" attitude and come for a visit."
Just like the news now ... there is flooding here! They just pulled a body out of a gutter in Boyle Park... There have been warnings ... barricades ... DON"T go this way ... but the morons do... several others have had to be rescued... they're really pissed at this one guy... cost a lot of money despite warning him before he kept going...
The water over a road! will sweep you away... Wow... they're showing pictures now... really something. One guy got caught in just inches of water and was carried away.... dipshits. Well ah got m'truck and so on and so forth... I hope they charge that one guy who just blatently drove through the barricade after being warned....
The slogan is Turn Around Don't Drown --- Look at these people even with the news out videoing them... dipshits!
Am I done with this rant? I guess so.... I have redone and packed and loaded 512 times... if this weather doesn't let up and I don't get outta here.... I keep changing stuff around! and spending more money! beats all.
I've posted this before and I'm posting it again because it fits... :D