So, it begins... holiday season

So cute.... this was on Facebook and I swiped it ;)

Last year I spent a bunch of money on candy and no one came! This year I haven't bought any ...I think I've written about my scrooginess regarding the holidays .... don't care if I have ... gonna write s'more.

All the morning shows had the Halloween shows... tons of costumes and such. I'm really a kid at heart but somehow Halloween has never been a favorite holiday of mine. I never liked dressing up in costumes... don't know why. Just never appealed to me.... all that carrying on dressing up as a something or other.

I did like treat or treating, however! but living in the country... we just had school parties - carnivals - until we moved when I was in third grade. I guess that's when the going from door to door started for me. I just wore a mask and carried a wand or something... not much todoing. Dad was a minister and church stuff was what we did. That or school. I liked the waxed lips... ;) that and a mask was probably my costume...

One of the last adult parties I went to... must have been at least 20 years ago... husband and I went as hippies... I mean we just went in our closet and dragged out stuff. Another one we went as George and Marion Kirby.... just made a sign with a chain hanging as a necklace... no one 'got it'... I forget we were the old parents in my son's crowd (I was 42 when he was born). For anyone who is younger ... they were the ghosts in Topper... I thought I was quite clever and as usual... I'm the only one. haaaa  but I do amuse me.

Then next is Thanksgiving and well? all that pretending to enjoy myself --- don't like to cook. don't like to clean up the kitchen. always enjoyed the Thanksgiving day football game if it were the Dallas Cowboys and Washington Redskins playing... ah those were the days. always ready for whoever showed up to leave. AND if we went somewhere... oh, lord... those memories... my MIL's? boo freakin hiss... nothing but stress... or MY brother's... more freakin stress... I never could do anything right when I was a kid and as far as he was concerned, I still didn't/don't ...

Christmas? please. zillions of dollars spent for gifts that no one really liked and to decorate - I used to LOVE decorating for Christmas - then the taking stuff down and all that balderdash ... not fun any longer ... now that I have g'kids (2) ... 18 months and 4... it could be fun again but they are still too young to enjoy anything other than opening stuff up ... the 4 year old is so used to getting stuff all year round that it loses its fun to give him stuff.

I'm his step g'ma and the other two g'mas shower him with stuff as well as his parents... not fun. My little 18 month old is just beginning ... I buy her stuff when she needs it and love getting her a this or that whenever. Christmas is just too commercial and stressful ... just don't like to carry on with this any longer and haven't for quite some time. depressing.

It's depressing because it's depressing....

Where has the joy gone... that wonderful spirit of giving and singing and candy and pies and cakes and cookies and Santa... I sooooo loved Santa. beautiful ornaments. I would go to Dillards the day after Christmas and LOVED fighting the women for the half and seventy five percent off stuff... LOVE music boxes and globes and I have carousels and such... loved loved loved decorating the house chock full of fun Christmassy stuff... deep red bows everywhere and cinnamon pinecones and on and on...

What happened? babies became teenagers and husband became husband and I got tired of doing all the putting up and taking down and cooking and baking for them to just --- hi... bye... yeah, nice. pfffffft

After my son graduated from high school... nothing. that was 8 years ago. I've downsized five times... traveled -- put stuff in storage ... took care of my Mother while she was dying... suffered through stuff with my son and marriage becoming increasingly more difficult...

These things don't go away because it's the holiday season.... they just get amplified! Holidays are supposed to be joyous... family--- brothers and Daddies and Mommies and G'parents and Aunts and Uncles and cousins and pecan pie and jam cake and music and laughter and ..... right.

depressing. can be. has been. people die. people get old. kids grow up. everything becomes a hassle because it's a tradition? boo hiss

I just want to go to the beach and blow it all off... I feel guilty and have tried to 'do' the holidays.... each time, it just hurts my heart.... some years are tolerable ... others have been so hurtful that the depression has lasted months and I mean months afterward.

hate that... hate the sweet innocence of youth being blown. Santa is a spirit... he doesn't come see me and bring me toys... sniff ... really hate that. Easter Bunny is a lie too.

I do believe, however, in pumpkins chatting....

Math is a religion?

Interesting stuff I'm pondering today:

• Being open minded
• Spirituality
• Religion
• Control freaks
• Perspectives
• Outlooks
• Flexibility
• Rigidity

Does being open minded mean I could be a control freak because others aren't? When a negative rigid kinda scene happens.... is it necessary to prove how open minded I can be by wanting the last word? interesting...

Each day, I'm learning more about me. I've always prided myself on rooting for the underdog, seeing and hearing others' side of a story/situation. When I'm confronted on something I believe or 'know' ... haaaa -- I've said many many times... I KNOW nothing... but what I believe I know... is questioned, I tend to bristle a bit but through the years and especially lately... I take a breath.

Wait a minute ol girl ... just because someone doesn't enjoy or appreciate or is curious or says thank you properly ... is that reason to criticize?

yes, I think so... but not to take away from anyone who does think/act differently than I do. I just go away.

My MIL says I 'run away'... yeah, I guess I do. What can you do to change other people.... not a damn thing.

I've always enjoyed the kind of mind that is curious and flexible. Close minded people confound me. I don't know how to respond to people who give orders.... in any form. What kind of thought process does someone go through to justify their rudeness. blows me away.

I know I can get on a soapbox when someone bad mouths where I'm from --- the south as an entire region! or my two states I claim as home... Arkansas and Texas. I will defend them. I would never, after learning, where someone is from bad mouth that area much less their entire state or region! What is their point? I've traveled quite a bit in the States. I could find something I didn't like or agree with in each and every place I have ever been.

But to live or visit a place for a couple of months or travel through and didn't like what they heard on public radio...? and consider it not worth their while to investigate? sure... fine. that's ok. but to find someone who is from one of those places and proceed to put it down is rude.

I try to pick my battles and always consider the source but it does rankle me. Politics? Sex? Religion? I'm more tolerant... ;)

The verbosity of some people to try and make their point is lost on me. The inflexibility to enjoy something that didn't quite turn out they way they expected or to give instructions where none need be given ... confounds me.

If you're invited to a concert and you know the music is really not to your liking but you like music period! then if it should turn out to be a real drag, I would have enjoyed what I could and been extremely curious as to how in the living breathing hell this could possibly appeal to anyone.. HAhaaa

But, I would never ever bad mouth the gift that someone thought I might enjoy. Am I alone? Is being considerate and polite a dead manners thing? I'm running across this more and more.

I suppose it could also be attributable to some people know 'who they are' and won't put up with anything other than exactly what they want.

Hard for me to grasp that kind of close mindedness... but then I guess that would make me closed minded?

Lots of pondering

maybe I attract negativity.... hmm

The Ever Constant Sea

 

I do wish I could remember where this was - It's one of the Carolinas. That's m'chair and water ;)

That beautiful pink that comes with the sunset is hard to capture -- especially with a phone camera. But anyone who has been to the beach can 'see' it. So relaxing. The sounds....

I am so ready to go say hello ... been too long.

I love Rod McKuen.... I have three newly ordered CDs... had his 8 Tracks ;) ... I absoutely wore The Soft Sea out...

The Ever Constant Sea
Words: Rod McKuen, Music: Anita Kerr

Once upon a time, loving set me free
Free as any bird whoever heard
The wind blow in the trees.
After love had gone I had merely me
And my only friend The Ever Constant Sea

We've been through it all, my old friend and me
Summertime and fall have shown us
All the world there is to see.
So if I love again, if love is good to me
I'll share it with my friend
The Ever Constant Sea.

Yes, If I love again, if love is good to me
I'll share it with my friend, The Ever Constant Sea.

sniff

Whatta Day...

I just had the most delightful day. Every where I went there were friendly, fun people!

I went to the hair salon --- I picked this one because they do 'old' people's hair. By that I mean, they know what to do with gray hair that is thinning.

Doyle is the owner and the one who did my hair. What a sweetheart. Had pictures of his g'babies around his mirror. We chatted and chatted. And, since I was getting a permanent, there is the proverbial wait time... he and I and another hairdreser talked about a lot of stuff. Really interesting. LOVE that kind of stuff.... bright eyed and bushy tailed folk.

THEN ... well? I have these black cloth shoes --- they are in the style of the old Mary Jane's ... but these are black cloth with an embroidered dusty rose colored rose and muted green color leaves ... I really like them. This delightful lady walked up and said she liked my shoes and asked where I got them. I told her.

She was even harder of hearing than I am... Hahaaaaa... so it was fun helping her hear. We started talking about dancing and she did a bit of a sway --- DWTS chat got us there...;)

She said she used to dance to the big band music and I told her how I like that music also. I said I was born in 1943 but I do remember them and later -- even with Elvis! I liked that kind of music

She said - oh, you're so young... I said... right. SHE WAS 91 ---- NINETY ONE YEARS OLD --- hells freakin bells --- hardly any wrinkles... Doyle had done her hair -- so pretty and fluffy! My hero! 91... freakin ... years ... old...

What a delightful delightful woman. I just enjoyed the hell outta that experience. One reason I hadn't gotten a permanent in eons is because I don't like waiting --- just don't like getting perms... blech

This was such a treat. Now... my hair? well? it feels good .... I told him I do not want that little ol lady kind of hairdo... all fixed and short and I don't care what 'they' say... old woman don't HAVE to have short hair. AND I'll wear white after labor day ... so there... we had a nice discussion about 'they'... HAhaaaa

Anyway, with my lifestyle and personality... I wanted a wash and wear hairstyle. He layered it and gave me a body wave.. and it brought back many memories... Except that now... there's all these wrinkles and fat cheeks and so on and so forth. We also had a nice chat about aging and 50th high school reunions... His is next summer. Mine was this summer. He also doesn't have many wrinkles... nice, pleasant man. The g'pa kinda looking guy.

So... I'll post a picture. I did take off the lines from my mouth... doesn't help much... Laugh Out Loud ... but whatever. I just aimed the camera in Homer and shot. It's still a little wet - especially in the back. It's me. I'm out of denial mode and into acceptance mode. ;)

Retouching? hah

Tomorrow? I'm going to get a permanent for the first time in ... hmmm...  can't remember but my hair is thinning! so I'm hoping something can be done... maybe that'll lift my spirits. Husband took a picture of me and my precious g'baby... She was concentrating on G'ma fetching raisins -- husband was laughing so hard he almost choked.

Sad thing is --- HAHAaaaa --  my belly laugh for today... is that I took the couple of photos to iPhoto to do a bit of 'fixing'... looked worse so just did undone... now THAT's sad... seriously

Thank goodness iPhone's camera doesn't do too well inside. It does okay outside. so it's a little blurry anyway. I did try to make my under eyes not so dark and take away a couple of chins and my mouth! jeez --- If I had known he was getting me in the picture I would have at least put on some lipstick. She enjoys watching this activity...

Guess I'll post the damn things. Don't know why. I know some kind soul will say... oh, Carolyn, you look just fine.

I will then say... thank you and no I do not.

It is so funny when g'baby furrows her brow when I sing to her... I'll break out in a song that somehow waltzes across my mind. I have done this forever. Used to drive co-workers crazy. Didn't even know I was singing. However! some did make requests... I'm not kidding! Anyway, I sing along with DWTS .... Chaz went home... and very awkward with Maks.

She just cracks me up.. she's 18 months old. She's asking -- what's that? says bless you when you sneeze! jeeeeez that's cute ... Diggity (m'cat) waltzed in... she does a little hop and says... oooo Kitty... HAhaaaa... oh, me. She knows all the animals on the animal cracker box... ;) she can't quite say hippopotamus yet...a little trouble with giraffe... but has monkey, zebra, lion and tiger down pat.

Precious angel... she's stuffing raisins down her shirt ... I picked them up off the chair... put them back in the container ... she put them back down her shirt... we did this many times.

Fear... Verse 217...

There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy.

Forgot where I got that from. I usually put the author next to the quote in my quotes folder. Tried to google to see but came up with no good answers... so - I like it - I'm using it.

How many more tears -- how many more - what will happens if I?...

So tired of drama.  Same ol song ... up to about verse 217 or so. I reeeeally am tired. ol blog. plum tuckered. What to do? bring out all the quotes from my Inspiration Folder. read them. heed them. do it.

I almost feel as I did when I was 16 years old. Suffocating. Can't fix anything. The serenity to accept? courage to change? wisdom to know the difference?

Hard doings.

I accept that I'm at a certain age where my options are fewer. Courage?  to go where no woman has gone before? - such as? that's BS... fear- fear and the thought of starting all over for the 917th time in my life --- when at this time of my life, I should have some sort of idea of what the hell is going on. Wisdom? what's that... I'll google

Wrote this last night after a very tiring evening.... thought I wouldn't post it until I reread it this morning... yeah, that's how I felt/feel so that's what this blog is about, to me.

Only damn place/thing I have any kind of control over...

mumble whine tired of being in pity party mode being a martyr being old and scared and what else.... taking crap

move on old woman... getchur life going - whatever is left - an hour? a day? twelve years? next month... WHATever... just do something besides feeling obligated to be a f'ng doormat.

I wanna high five a whale ... sniff

Upon being Sheeple

What do you call a bunch of sheep stuck in a sauna?
...wool sweaters....

I'm easily amused these days. Trying to bombard myself with humor.

 
Not a very clear picture but all I could find of a bunch of sheep.... oh me... Ralph and Sam cartoon.

Sheep come to mind when I'm reminded of how many sheeple are in this world. always amazes me.

I wonder how it comes about that people do not like to think for themselves. I say it's fear. Fear works in mysterious ways....

As a person who has always suffered from hoofnmouth disease, I will express my opinion or disagreement then back off. I have found there are people who simply can not accept the fact that they could be wrong. I mean, it is possible.

If I'm iffy on a subject, I like to hear both sides of an argument then do a bit of research and determine how I feel about it OR ... if I'm sold on a subject, I will listen to someone with an opposing view and if it makes sense, I will change. I love a good discussion. I have a hard time finding people who can do this without getting all het up. drives me insane.

Good Luck Duck had a post on boring conversations... interesting comments ensued. I like conversations. The only people who bore me are the ones as I mentioned above who will only listen to their own minds. I just walk on by.

I've always had jobs where I dealt with the public. I've had my own retail shop. I talk a lot. I like to talk. I like people who like to talk. I like people who don't get bent out of shape because I talk a lot and want to go -- yeah! me too! and we go off on a bunch of different subjects and feed off each other... love that!

People and their verbosity... I belong to a couple of groups - intellectuals one and all - I joined  because I enjoy hearing them expound on whatever... all the $10 words and theories... really interesting as well as a hoot. I just enjoy trying to understand people ... there are so many of us, y'know.

We all come from somewhere. Our backgrounds --- we all have a story. Fascinating.

That's a reason I live in a city. I just can't do small towns. Four people seem to own the town and all the thises and thats that go with said ownership... I just don't have time. I wrote about our moving to a little town some posts back... I think so. I thought I could do it... such a pretty little place... looked like a picture postcard in parts.

But nooooooo ... I was ready to get out in about 3 weeks... But... we had to stay because of husband's job --- I thought I would lose my mind ... so I opened up a bead/candle shop. Great fun and stayed away from the ---- not downtown people --- this was a resort town and the locals never came downtown except for the shop owners... and believe me that was a hoot.

We were there six years. Let me son graduate and as soon as school was out? .... bat outta hell did I go... BUT I miss my litle shop. I enjoyed my customers so much. A lot of people from Memphis had cabins and such there. We had people come through on their way to Branson --- this little town was in the foothills of the Ozarks and people who loved to go antiquing would flock there.

I opened a 'kids' place and they were so happy to have something to do after being with relatives and g'mas ... we had a fine time. As well as the g'mas too...  But the locals? God help me... I told the ones who owned the town after being told I wasn't deferring properly ... HAhaaaaaa..... that it had been a loooong time since I was in high school. give me a day or two ....

Husband was fired after about a year.... we did NOT fit in. I don't treat anyone differently. Don't care if you have money, own the sidewalks I'm walking on --- whatever ... or if you're on welfare... don't give a rat's ass. Neither did my son. He became quite popular which pissed off the owners of said town with their sons being the heretofore golden boys... I thought it was hilarious. My son liked everyone... Therefore.... the 'little' people elected him this or that... oh, me... tons of posts of that place.

Anyway! I like Little Rock. it's a small city. I like neighborhoods. Yesterday, I went to three different ones... all within just minutes from each other but oh so different!

I went to a little coffee shop and bought some beans. The little barista was just precious. This neighborhood is called Hillcrest and if you wanted to say hippyish --- it would fit... the people are smiling and friendly ... the shops are relaxed - informal. Expensive but not as much as the Heights - the other I go to all the time.... the preppy neighborhood... I like it too... fun to watch and talk with whoever will talk ... HAhaaaa...

Anyway this little --- jeez - can't remember her name... girl - 23 --- was just the most delightful person. We chatted and chatted and got on several subjects and BLAST two other people came in and needed to be waited on... Haaaa... but we would resume after said waiting upon...

Such a nice day- gorgeous gorgeous weather.

Then we have today... woke up to thunderstorms --- but nice. After I realized I wasn't dead from the noise waking me up and heard the rain .... ahhhhh .... I went back to sleep and slept really well.

Don't be sheeple, people! Stand up for what you believe in ... this political bunch of crap needs fixing.... study both sides. I've said it before and I'ma gonna say it again! The only way I would ever vote Republican is if Hillary switched parties....

BUT I'm open... hah! ... if someone could give me a good reason to understand --- did any of you watch any of their debates? god have mercy... and Santorium (sp?) and Bachmann and aw ... that other little pipsqueaky guy ... cant think of his name were on Face the Nation... I mean I try to listen! but jeeeeeezus ...

That's what they have to pick from? man oh man