Whirring part two

It did! It posted... haaaa ... really is quite simple.

I just recently changed from an HP laptop to a MacBook Pro and am still learning. I have been a Windows user since the dawn of time... I don't understand all I know about Mac.... I've only had him a month and I've been preoccupied with trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

Big freakin chore...

Freedom is tantamount ... how? nice announcement but how do I define freedom?

Able to move about freely... think freely ... dance with complete abandonment ....

What is freedom... to a slave? ... a definition... to a woman?... a definition... to a child? a definition... from a government? ... a definition.

I might just define all that BS.... might do it... trying not to eat this lemon pudding cake I decided to buy ... all because my mind is whirring.... I have to have lemon pudding cake...

I just might whir and get a sparkler and eat lemon pudding cake for celebrating our Country's birthday! I love this USA .... and am truly thankful for the freedom to question freedom...

Whirring...

My mind is a wondrous thing.... just whirs away... never know where it's going or what it's going to say/think/do....

I reel it in ever now and then to try to do some serious stuff ...

I do not like holidays any longer... no matter which one. obligatory times one and all. The 4th is coming up... I'll play John Phillip Sousa and march about the living room.

I do love watching fireworks shows though .... especially on a river or lake ... the reflections! and set to music! Just goose bumply stuff! But dammit! ya gotta go with these crowds and parking and heat and bugs ... see? man I'm old.

My parents would only let me have sparklers... my brothers got all kinds of neat stuff to blow up and out... my husband loves them and he and our son and my stepson would have a grand time making a bunch of racket ... I was pleading for safety... they scare me. I would assume from the job my parents did on me ... making me deathly afraid that I'd blow my head off... girls were schtupid y'know.

So... I'll just curmudgeon out and try not to eat myself into a stupor. I just beat all... I really do.

Just was sent pictures of my precious little g'daughter of her FIRST haircut... oh, me... so precious... can I leave her? Will the guilt just really get to me?

If I stay... will my mind wander off and refuse to come back? It has done that on occasion ... massive search party...

Kate wore a black sheath today and well, I for one, am glad I caught this news. AND Sarah fought back with a Times interviewer... AND Michele Bachmann needs to go to the house... the only reason I don't reach for the remote immediately when I see her is that I'm totally blown away by this person.

As an original feminist... I WANT women to take charge of the government .... I was so disappointed that Hillary wasn't elected but Obama is trying so hard to be a good President... I think so.

All the hate and mud slinging by the GOP and Tea Partiers... man oh man... tiresome... don't get me started on Sarah Palin... good lord

Oh! an advertisement for Jim Stafford! he's in Branson? haven't thought of him in ages... haaaa loved Jim Stafford... didn't he do the .... gotta YouTube.... "I Don't Like Spiders and Snakes" HAhaaaaa... I gotta post that ... let's see if I click on the Edit HTML tab ... and embed it should post along with this post? .... let's see

Desertion? Abandonment?

If, at this late age of 68 ... am I abandoning my family? Does the guilt I feel need to keep me from realizing my own mental health? I have seriously got to find me before I die.

Seriously.

So, taking off in my van ... Homer ... traveling about to find my 'tribe' ... a lifestyle and environment that feeds me instead of starves me.

I feel so empty. I'm scared to leave. I want to take care of my little g'daughter but I am so tired of being controlled by circumstances.

I'm in a marriage that should have ended at least twenty years ago ... I'm tired and need to make that final break ... what is the hold? being afraid? me? The original risk taker at 18? No one I knew felt the way I did ... 1961 was the beginning of women ... well, me... being really tired of the way it was... a man's world from the time ya got up till you went to bed...

All those years of becoming a woman... a person ... untethered by society ... making my own rules.

WTF happened....

Another Day...

Whenever I have a day that exhausts me mentally ... it seems the next day I sleep. I think that's the survival instinct... lol

can't be lazy ... surely

Anyway, just being around family wears me out... beaten down until the simplest thing or word or gesture can send me reeling ... dammit I want this emotional roller coaster to stop.

So... good evening, blog... it's hot and muggy and I ate too much and slept too much today. Tomorrow? I shall do better... or not.

So? What am I waiting for....

I do believe it's time I made concrete plans for my leaving. I am so very tired of trying to make 'it' work here.

I'm such a weird kid... I guess... whatever it is ... I would really like to find me and know who I am before I check out... who the hell am I.

sigh

Email to an Inspiration

The Tioga and George blog has been around since 2003. He has many many followers. I am one of them. He is an inspiration. His son committed suicide this past September and it has been quite a journey.

He's been fighting this and is in another ... depressed state. I have never written him before but just felt I wanted to today after reading his today's entry. oh, lord love him.... http://blog.vagabonders-supreme.net/

Here's my post...

Sun, June 26, 2011 2:14:41 PM

Blues on the Road...

George, I began reading your blog a couple of years ago. I have, as of last week, started reading from the beginning in February 2003.

I'm right now making huge plans to leave my home and family to travel. You are an inspiration. I know that that's not really what you'd like to hear. It will probably make you feel guilty. You needn't live for anyone but yourself right now. You have found such pleasure in the smallest things.

I teared up when you lost BOTH boids... little guys... I lost a much loved cat in Smokey Mountain National Park the first time I ventured out and also vowed to never take another pet with me.

I'm married... 27 years. unhappily. My Mother died in 2007 and I said goodbye to my two older brothers and all family ... too toxic.

I have been utterly miserable these past ... oh, jeez... 5 years ... just miserable for only about 15... ;).

I could write my story ... every one has one ... but it would serve no purpose other than to let you know that I have been in bed with the covers pulled over my head ... not wanting to live ... not wanting to die ...

Right now I'm at another crossroads ... So... started reading your blog ... I'm up to August 18, 2004. I want to go to Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons. I want to go over to the State of Washington and drive Highway 1 all the way down the coast of California.

Looooong story but after many thises and thats... I'm 68 now and want, while I'm still able, to go back west one more time ... love Big Sur and well... when you were in Coronado ... I lived there on Second Street in some apartments and my view was the view you showed ... looking at San Diego across the bay. SIGH

Love that whole area.... Carmel/Monterrey/Santa Cruz and so forth... Redwood Forest ... Muir Woods... oh, my. Lived in San Francisco for four years....

Just want to let you know that I think of you often... I was there when you first heard of David's disappearance... my heart has broken for you many times. I only have one son ... I had him late in life at 42 and ... well... that's a whole 'nother 20,000 emails! .... my heart, my love, my stress, my dreams, my heartache, my happiness... on and on...

I just read your current post and ... as someone else has suggested ... go some place new.... just keep moving... my mind wheels seem to abate when I'm moving. That's what I'm about to do ... well... for me... trying to go 'back' and see if Carolyn ... that young, vibrant, risk taking adventurious girl... dark hair blowing in the wind... laughing, playing, dancing.... is still there.

I lost her somewhere along the way .... I just want to meet her again ... one more time before it's all over.... to laugh and sing and play ... I started a blog... too embarrassed to give you the address.. but on my header. I quoted Bob Moawad...

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins...

This includes family ... past and present ... old doubts and fears ... I stay afraid a lot of the time... I never even had that word in my vocabulary ! ... seriously ... afraid? me? I lived in Chihuahua, Chihuahua, Mexico... traveled across country at least five times ... have lived in LOTS of cities and four states I think so... at least.... don't even want to spend time counting... this was at a time when women didn't do anything on their own ...

Decision making takes up a good deal of one's time... never used to. I used to just 'do' and worry about the consequences later... HAhaa... some were real winners and others? oh, boy

Whatever George! ... I love you ... I really do ... for being the kind of person who 'does'.... you've coped so strongly ... coping wears you down... trying to be brave and witty and fun ... can wear a body down... when inside all you want to do is go to sleep. This is a natural depression... has to be ... being strong for too long ... leads to depression.

So go with it.... let all the pain and anger and frustration and unfairness and what the hell's and GOOD LORD! what nexts... get it all out ... scream and run and cry ... I 'pet' myself... truly. I take my right hand and place it on my forehead and caress... I am my own parent... I've had to learn to reparent myself. I grew up with little affection ... my Mother was ok but I was so judged...

My Dad was a southern minister! .... hell fire and damnation ... I had to be perfect... hah! ... I was light blue eyed with dark hair and white skin ... big ol hips and boobs and a small waist... I was taught to be ashamed of me... I had nothing ... nothing absolutely nothing to do with the way I looked ...

Hahaaaa... like Jessica Rabbit ... I'm not bad.. I'm just drawn this way... gosh what was the name of that movie? ah... had to google! haaaa.. "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" ... good lord! haven't thought of that in years.

Long email and TMI but I just wanted you to know that you are a very special person in my life. I thank you for being you .... from your cookies in the evening ... little Twee and and how you say you love a little town or place... ahhhhh
;)
.... no way can this depression win... BEcause I say so....

Plans in the news

So... it's all but almost decided that I take off for the next year or so...

Right now since it's so hot I think the best route will be to go straight north and over to the Dakotas ... Grand Tetons and Yellowstone then to Washington State and Highway 1 all the way back south ... maybe at that time ... NOT summertime, I'll go to Sedona, Arizona... never been there. I've been told that I should ;)

Don't know but I'm going to start making concrete plans to get Homer (Honda Odyssey) ready to freddy... am I excited? don't know yet... just got through talking with my husband to see if this would work. He plans on retiring in 18 months... house needs remodeling and I don't want to get into debt or use any more savings ...

So... by my traveling about in Homer and living frugally instead of sitting here day after day after day seeing all the remodeling that needs to be done... I'll spend money on gas and food and watch a hawk making lazy circles in the sky.

My last stopper is my precious g'daughter ... every thing else seems to be ready to go.

Plans? I'll keep my blog posted... ;)

Thoreau understood... and ol Waylon

"a reason to get together is to share experiences----a reason to separate is to get some new experiences to share."

and then here's ol Waylon ... 

... I've Always Been Crazy... these lyrics about say it all... ;)

I've always been crazy and the trouble that it's put me through
I've been busted for things that I did, and I didn't do
I can't say I'm proud of all of the things that I've done
But I can say I've never intentionally hurt anyone

I've always been different with one foot over the line
Winding up somewhere one step ahead or behind
It ain't been so easy but I guess I shouldn't complain
I've always been crazy but it's kept me from going insane

Beautiful lady are you sure that you understand
The chances your taking loving a free living man
Are you really sure you really want what you see
Be careful of something that's just what you want it to be

I've always been crazy but it's kept me from going insane
Nobody knows if it's something to bless or to blame
So far I ain't found a rhyme or a reason to change
I've always been crazy but it's kept me from going insane.

What's important...

Friends? Comfort? Family? Stimulation? a Home? Walks along a beach? Waking up with familiarity ... bathroom, coffee, GMA, Regis & Kelly, The View, DVR recordings such as Kathie Lee & Hoda and from the night before ... Nightline, then The Talk ... then the void from 2pm until 5:30 and Brian Williams then Entertainment Tonight ... then whatever is on at 7pm ... love Dancing With the Stars... season's over, The Voice... almost over, ... so on and so forth ... do I see? can you see?

Each important thing defined...

Friends - don't have any .... not really. No one to have lunch with or call or walk or run with.

Comfort - Having been traveling about and taking care of my Mother and being unhappily married and drama with my son and my not wanting to care for myself physically much less mentally .... I'm in a constant state of flux ... feeling worthless and unworthy and selfish and ugly and fat and lazy and depressed.... the comfort comes from being able to have a place to 'be' ... a car that's paid for and I can travel in ... TV and internet ... a stocked fridge ... nice neighborhood and a house we can afford but needs lots of renovation ... drama has subsided for at least a week, that's comforting...

Family - well... this could take nine days to explain ... broke off communication with my two older brothers - too toxic... my Dad's side of the family has died, only cousins that I haven't seen in ages ... Mother's side - too awkward, painful ... my husband? - unhappily married for at least 20 years of the 27 we have been married ... my son? my life, my heart, my soul, my happiness, my sadness, my heartbreak, my anxiety, my stress, ...

Stimulation - or inspiration ... energy ... I live where people are fairly sleepy ... not much energy, however, there is some great stuff to see and nature is gorgeous here ... but so very hot and humid ... people outside of the city where I live and in parts of the city are the fundamentalist Christian type... there are others but for the most part ...everyone should be alike kind of mentality. SIGH ... I long for some great philosophical discussions and nights of bridge and talks and walks with people who are FUN ... dammit! the sense of FUN is not easy to find ... New Orleans is fun ... that's their whole modus operandi ... fun! but to live there? can't see it.

Home - this is the biggy ... bought this house last summer to be near FAMILY ... well? needs lots of remodeling, that's how we could afford it ... lost interest because of the amount of money we had to spend on son and his precious little baby to be born and then the after her being born and the baby's mama... this was our fixing up the house money .... SO ... thought I could busy myself getting the house all fixed up but the drama just pinpricked my balloon and well... blah. This plus my energy spent on trying to communicate with my husband has put me in bed with the covers over my head ... fight depression constantly ... my nature is upbeat but after years of trying to cope ... I'm just worn down. don't like it. not one little bit... and thank God/Universe/benevolent spirit ... for my sense of humor... without it? I would have been a goner decades ago..

So.... if I want walks on the beach or touch a falling star.... I have to leave the above... BEcause ... of the beaten down feelings I have ... the not wanting to do anything ... the no energy and complacent bullshit ... so many plans I make that I will do tomorrow... tomorrow is always today and I'm back to just making plans... circle ... can't seem to break it.

If I leave? I will give up... my morning ritual? will all those TV shows survive? Will my son grow up? Will I miss my g'baby? Will I hurt my husband's feelings --- he doesn't mind hurting mine... and he's close to retirement and has taken a going to be home not only every week but every other day as well as weekends... I don't like me around him. He brings out the worst in me. I don't like me much period but when I'm around him? I reeeeally don't like me.

SIGH ... so many people would love to have my situation ... a roof, TV, car, phone, well stocked fridge, and so on... which brings on the guilt of how I've wasted my time and gifts and all around blahness.

The wheels of sitting here deciding what to do with the last 20 productive years of my life... well? I'm 68 ... so can I remain active until I'm 88? of course, if I take care of myself and get my mentalness - attitude adjusted!

Guess I'll have more coffee and a cupcake... that'll fix me right up.

Energy

At 68... and having had several lifestyles .... I'm still trying to figure out what it is that I want to be when I grow up.

I don't know a lot ... the longer I live... the more I realize all that I don't know and well... lots of stuff I don't need to know. However! one aha knowing thing is I believe in energy.

There are people, places and situations that zap my energy. The repercussions from said zappings lead to wrong decisions .... hasty decisions ... perhaps vengeful decisions.

The need to be around energizing people and places fuel my gypsyness. When I'm on empty and need fueling ... I try to gather past experiences and make rational decisions.  I will spend quite a bit of time reading the travel blogs. I'm again inspired but still reluctant to make concrete plans to just get in Homer and hook 'em. Let the freakin chips fall where they may! I scream! ... then sit back down and yawn. freakin sigh

I believe we all have had relationships and/or children and animals and lots of thises and thats that keep us from making decisions that will feed our very own souls.

How important is our energy and sanity above all the aforesaid thises and thats? As we said in the 60s.... I'm tired of the scene, man.

Which direction? the loneliness of the road at times / the blessed solitude and freedom of the road .... the constantly looking for places to spend the night ... getting to a town/city/park too late to explore for such a place / the fun and adventure of never knowing where you will be spending the night.... the sometimes just wanting to stay at home and veg out ... not moving a hair and pop popcorn if one could ... on and on with the conflicting ... freedom vs security

bah ... I get tired of traveling ... putting the curtains up ... making sure no one knows I'm in Homer ... peeing in a porta potty ... pottying in strange potties and showering in public showers ... doing laundry at a laundromat .... wanting just a sandwich and a tall glass of cold milk by a river in Homer ... but then I have to get ice for my cooler and y'gotta get bread and Hellman's and a whole package of whatever ... tuna... I love tuna with all the stuff in it ... I make myself. Most times I enjoy eating out ... 9 out of 10 times ... part of the fun of traveling but ever once in a while .. .that tenth time! I'm just tired and want to go home and fix me a sandwich and watch TV....

THEN I think ... well? hells bells! that's why I want to be a gypsy ... don't like sitting around watching TV and feeding my fat face... sigh

All I know now is that I need something somewhere somehow to get energized ... while feeling reeeally really tired. There ought to be a battery charger inhouse. Hate having to get dressed to go out to get batteries.

know what I mean?

The Constant Battle...

Whether to travel or stay... The constant battle.
I've been reading a few travel blogs ... gets me really salivating. Then reality sets in and there are a couple of things I have to make peace with ...

This was my backyard a few months back! I knew then when I was moaning and groaning about the snow that I'd be wishing to remember this when it got summertime... well, hello summertime... hot an humid in the south, y'all...

I got up this morning FULL of organizational plans... hah! lasted until after I had coffee ... made blueberry pancakes with real maple syrup. good stuff.

Then a lil nap was in order ...

I think the cats (2) bring in fleas. really? Since we moved into this house, they have become inside/outside cats. Just felt comfortable putting the litterbox outside. So far... so good.

I just ordered The Sea", "Summer" and the "Soft Sea". San Sabastian Strings and Rod McKuen. Listened to the Soft Sea a gazillion times when it was on an 8 Track... wore it out ... recently thought of it and had to have it... so I got it. The other two were why nots...

I guess it's yet another attempt to regain the freedom loving young girl I was... hair blowing in the wind ... afraid of nothing. Loving everything new... sigh

I have got to make decisions soon ... stay or go.

If you can't flee... flow

I do not understand why the font changes while I'm typing.... this is my sixth attempt to type in the font and size I want! ... so far so good. good lord! what a todo. Seems by going to Advanced and selecting what I want ... IT WOULD STICK! ... obviously, I know nothing.

Anyway... g'morning blog and I managed to get the trash out before the trash people came and toted those big ol white planters to the back. This makes the front porch look a little neater. It's only been a year since we moved here.

You see we bought a house last year after swearing by all that's swearable that we would never .... ever buy a house again. Don't like taking care of one. BUT at this age... it just seemed the thing to do ... have a place to come and die ... AT.

However, I got the gypsy blood stirring again dammit and want to go back up Highway 1 from California to Washington ... one more time again ... before I can't.

Good lord! GMA is showing fried Kool Aid! fried Kool Aid? wtf

I have ... really only one obligation ... my little grandbaby ... so precious and I keep her every other week. Can't bear the thought of her being left with a sitter. I don't know....

Do I stay or go.... what if I stay... I will try and make this house a home AGAIN ... I will volunteer... get involved in something. I like where I am but really never thought I would settle in my home state again ... so pretty but the people outside the city are very conservative and your basic Christian fundamentalist type.... The type I ran away from when I was 18 like a bat outta hell.

Now in my ... omg... late 60s... I just have about 1% tolerance.... heading torward zero tolerance.

Always amazes me when folks discredit another's views or religion or philosophy as insignificant, wrong, and ignorant. Truly gauche.... but sooooo typical of insecure people who can't accept someone disagreeing with their views, religion or philosophy... It would be funny if it weren't so damned dangerous to the sheeples ... sigh

I long to meet like minded folk to just sit and enjoy whatever. I love nature. I love theater. I love animals. I'm a free thinker. I KNOW nothing. Someone screams ... but the truth ... the truth! hah... balderdash .... no one really knows anything.

Well, mathematics are an exact science, I guess... I don't get much beyond 2+2 and my simple division stuff ... beyond that I defer to someone who can determine that if you are going to halve a recipe ... yeah, like I cook a lot... BUT when I do and it's just for me... to halve 1/3 cup of something.... jeez... I just get the 1/3 cup measuring cup and fill it halfway! I say whatever works. No need for heavy duty changing denominators and such. energy...

Well? I'm still in the throes of decision making ... stay? go? run away like I've been doing for 50 years or grow up ... no no no ... do I have to wear shoes with sensible soles? oh, please. I did cut my hair a bit and didn't wear jeans to my 50th high school reunion this past weekend.

One of those fashion segments on the teevee said old women shouldn't wear jeans... BS .. wear what I want to but being so hot ... I did wear my flax capris... very loose and comfortable.

I'm not an old hippie but I lived in San Francisco in the 60s and early 70s. I always worked and dressed well... knew the culture, however, and dated a guy who had recently 'dropped out' ... a junior executive at Shell Oil ... went to lunch one day and never went back .... fun but not my thing back then... although it was lots of fun in those days period... lots of stuff to fix ...

We women were almost almost considered people! wow... so much has changed and MY generation did it! Young women today as well as young men have no idea how gender biased everything and I mean EVERYthing was... makes me tired to remember but also makes me realize how exciting and new and cause related everything was....

I mean coming from the type of background that I came from... Father - a minister; Mother - a housedress and stockings wearer until her death at 96 and a half; two olders brothers - very popular and good looking in school ... both college graduates; ALL DOMINEERING .... I was the baby and a GASP girl ... oh, sigh... that needs to be a blog in itself...

Sooooo coming from the 'every one had a role' 50s to my inside self ... saying ... something about this shit aint right ... to finding out that ... holy cats! the world was a changing and I went with the flow ... from cool daddy o and Elvis to far out and maan.. haaa

what a trip ... and here's the thing... I miss the fun ... fun of just 'being' as we used to say. living in the moment. I do try but when you have family and all the freakin drama that comes with that.... oh sigh sigh sigh

Monday, a good day to plan

I'm going to try this blogging thing and see if it helps form my thoughts ... My thoughts are a random thing and I need a place to see them.

Seeing thoughts on a Monday evening. hah